Sometimes I have a hard time just allowing these sounds to happen...allowing myself to channel sound without judgment, and then post videos that my trained musician brain is extremely critical of. Sometimes when I'm working with these sounds my voice seems like it's coming apart at the seams, and it gets a bit “pitchy” as my inner Simon Cowell tells me.
After years of practice in person events had become easy because there was never a physical record of what actually happened...it was all only for the moment...which is still an extremely vulnerable place to be, but with a certain level of feeling a lack accountability to my trained musician brain because the sound was there one moment and gone the next...no recordings...no one will ever know...ha!
When working with sound in this way all works perfectly only if I step completely out of the way and allow these sounds to happen, not from a space of judgment, but from a space of allowing...it's a vulnerable place to function from. It's not always pretty sounds that need to happen...sometimes dissonance is needed to break things up...sometimes sour sounds move energy more potently and effectively...sometimes the raw emotion is a potent catalyst and can sound like (and feel like) it's tearing my vocal chords apart.
...and then to share the videos afterwards...that is an extra vulnerable place to be...
I suppose that releasing is rarely pretty...and we are at a place where A LOT of releasing is needed...but we are in this together.
(...I also suppose that the video in this specific post doesn't push the boundaries tooo far..)
This is the path of vulnerability that we've all been asked to walk during these times of shifting, each in our own way. Many of us are being called to step out of our comfort zones in one way or another...and that I believe is a very good thing. Try not to judge yourself too harshly. Remember that it's ok to allow yourself to be vulnerable, probably needed, and that you are not alone.